Naruto: Insanity Of The Leaf
by Big-bird-8674
Summary: CRACKfic! Shiro Ichimaru considers himself one of Iwa's best spies. He is a specialist in all kinds of subterfuge, having infiltrated places such as Kiri and even strongholds like Ame in the past. And now he's going to take on his biggest test yet… He's going to infiltrate the Leaf. Will he survive? Find out here. AU, No specific timeline, M just in case.
1. Chapter 1

**OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(**

**Chapter 1: The World's Bestest Spy**

Shiro Ichimaru was proud to say that he was one of Iwagakure's best spies. He was a specialist in all kinds of subterfuge, having infiltrated places like Kirigakure, Suna and even strongholds like Amegakure in the past. He prided himself in finding double agents among enemy nations and bringing in valuable information to his Tsuchikage.

And it was the Tsuchikage who had given him his latest and most challenging assignment yet. Unlike most missions involving his skill, Shiro was excited. He was about to infiltrate Konoha, Iwa's greatest enemy and weed out as many allies among the tree-huggers as he could. And he would succeed; he was after all the best at what he did.

**A/N: Okay, these chapters are a LOT shorter than what I usually write but I decided to try something different. This has been on my mind for a while and I wanted to try it out. I'll try to update New Beginnings as soon as I can but until then… here is the product of my twisted little brain's wanderings… **

**Ta :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(**

**Chapter 2: Tsunade Says "No More Paperwork"**

Tsunade Senju; Member of the Legendary Sannin, World's Greatest Medic Nin and Fifth Hokage extraordinaire usually spent her time glaring at the various never-ending mountains of paperwork that often littered her desk. In fact, it was every single day since she'd accepted the thrice-be-damned position of Hokage that Tsunade would dream of the day she could return to her life as a dirt poor drunk and legendarily sucky gambler if only it meant she wouldn't be in that goddamn office fighting the Horror of Horrors™ (i.e. paperwork) all the time.

However, while usually she would have spent her day glaring death at the never-ending mountain of the Horror of Horrors™ today was an exception. Instead, Tsunade found herself glaring death at one particular piece of paper while hoping against hope that it would suddenly and miraculously burst into flames and disappear. Unsurprisingly it didn't so Tsunade did the next best thing – delegate it to someone else and make it their problem. And she had just the perfect sucker… I mean, er, victim… no, I mean… er… candidate. Yes, the perfect _candidate_…

"Shizune!"

It wasn't a moment later that a fair-skinned woman with black eyes and short black hair popped her head inside the office.

"Yes Lady Tsunade?" Shizune queried.

"Come here and take this. I have an assignment for you." Tsunade said while holding the offending file out towards her assistant. Scurrying inside the office, Shizune immediately took the sheet from the blond Kage and began to skim through the details while Tsunade gave a brief overview. "According to Jiraiya's spy network there's an Iwa agent in our midst. Make sure to get someone onto it before he gets anything vital or causes too much trouble."

"Right," Shizune nodded in understanding, "I'll inform T&I and-"

"No, I want him out of Konoha with as little incident as possible." Tsunade disagreed. "I can't afford to have another Kumo Incident or anything happen on my watch at the moment, at least for a while anyway. Just try to make him leave somehow. If all else fails, _then _you can have T&I pick him up."

"Of course, Lady Tsunade; I'll get right on it." Shizune bowed before once again exiting the office. As the dark haired Medic Nin left, Tsunade let a satisfied smile grace her face for a job well done before she realised she still had the rest of her paperwork to do. Upon coming to this realisation, Tsunade did the only sane thing she could do in her situation: she slammed her head down on one of the only bare areas of her desk, cracking the polished wooden surface, and let out a pained groan, uncaring of what she might have looked like to someone might walk in on her at that moment.


	3. Chapter 3

**OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(**

**Chapter 3: Gate Guards And ****Section Eleven Eight Of The Anime Handbook™**

Meanwhile, Shiro Ichimaru walked at a civilian pace towards the gates of Konoha looming before him. As he got closer, he managed to spot a small booth to his left with two bored looking chunin inside. These were more than likely the visible gate guards though Shiro didn't doubt there were others hidden about the place unseen.

When he finally got close enough, Shiro managed to make out the first chunin. He had brown hair combed down covering his right eye and his forehead protector looked more like a bandanna. He wore the standard Konoha shinobi outfit which went all the way up to his chin and a flak jacket. In contrast, the second chunin instead had long, spiky, black hair and dark eyes with a strip of bandage running across the bridge of his nose and a light-coloured marking on his chin. He too wore the standard attire of a Konoha shinobi complete with a forehead protector and a flak jacket.

"…know, I just realised that we've been sitting here for nearly two hundred episodes now…" Shiro heard the first chunin say as he got closer to the booth the two shinobi sat in.

"Please, you're giving the writers way too much credit… it's more like a hundred and fifty." The second replied.

"Well, I guess it doesn't really matter that much," The first shrugged, appearing unconcerned with whatever the hell it was they were talking about. "The most action I've got so far was when I got to nod at the Hokage once in one of the fillers."

"Really…" The second asked, "Well, I heard I get a part in the story soon. It'll be sweet getting some action for once."

"Yeah, keep dreaming Kotetsu. Someone's been reading too much of the manga." The first said with a grin on his face. By this point, Shiro was standing in front of the booth waiting for the two to notice him and go about procedure and all that nonsense. However, the second chunin was too busy standing up looking threateningly at the first, gritting out the words "What was that?" with clenched fists to really notice the Iwa spy.

"Er… hey, isn't that Naruto?" The first chunin said, pointing past Shiro which immediately dragged Shiro's attention away from the pair to see a blond kid with blue eyes wandering out of a nearby shop in a blinding orange and black jump suit.

"It's ABOUT _FUCKING_ TIME YOU GOT HERE AND DID SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE YOU LITTLE _SHIT_!" The second chunin suddenly leaned over the bench and yelled at the blond. However while nearby citizens all turned to see what all of the commotion was about, Shiro noticed that the blond hadn't paid them any mind and was already walking casually away while holding several bags full of clothing and other items.

Shiro's attention was suddenly brought back to the two chunin when the first chunin with the bandana suddenly let out a heavy sigh.

"I don't know why you're yelling at him. It's not like he can hear us or anything." He said in an exasperated tone.

"Yeah, yeah I know." The second said, looking resigned as he once again took his seat inside the booth. "Section Eleven Eight of the Anime Handbook™ states that no minor characters will be heard by the mains even if the information is vital to their survival… Sorry. I just got ahead of myself." The second frowned.

Having only understood about a fraction of what had been said by the two chunin (which pretty much limited him to the '_ands_' and '_its_' of the conversation), Shiro decided to make himself known.

"Excuse me."

"Oh, sorry about that sir," The first chunin said as he turned his full attention back to Shiro. "How can we help you?"

"I'm just here visiting. I hear you have nice hot springs." Shiro said pleasantly, reciting the vague reasoning that fit the fake persona he'd come up with on his way there.

"That we do…" the second chunin grinned before holding out his hand expectedly, "Passport please."

"Sure." Shiro nodded while making sure to put on a small show of searching for the information. After a few moments he handed over the small booklet filled to the brim with a believable fake identity and awaited the chunin's inspection confidently.

"Hm let's see…" The second chunin muttered to his partner as he flipped through the passport, "Name is Shiro Ichimaru… Age thirty three… Place of origin is Iwagakure… Occupation as a shinobi… And it says here your reason for being here is to spy on us and stuff…?"

Shiro stood stock still in wide eyed horror as the spikey haired chunin read out the accurate information. It seemed that he'd given them the wrong passport, even if he was pretty sure he'd left his real passport at home to avoid this kind of thing.

"Uh… yes?" Shiro said tentatively, already plotting escape routes and tensing to run like a bat out to hell back to Iwa. Never before had he botched up a job, let alone this bad or early on in the mission. Just about to execute that plan to run away screaming, Shiro was shocked and completely dumbfounded when the second of the two chunin began sagely nodding his head, his arm outstretched to hand the passport back. With a cheery smile on his bandaged face, the chunin said a happy, "Oh well, that seems fine. Here you go Mr Ichimaru. Make sure you check out those hot springs and have a nice day."

Never before had Shiro been so confused.

"Er, thanks." Shiro muttered as he tentatively took the passport back while wondering idly just when he'd stepped into the Twilight Zone.

"Don't mention it." The first chunin said just as pleasantly. Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, Shiro started to walk away from the booth only to freeze again when one of the chunin cried out "WAIT!"

Slowly turning around the face the two, Shiro was once again flabbergasted when the only thing that was said was the seemingly sincere warning of "If you see any of the main characters, don't bother trying to talk to them. It's pretty much pointless given Section Eleven Eight of the Anime Handbook™."

"Er… right." Shiro nodded before again turning around to stroll away as inconspicuously as possible.

As he did so, Shiro as discreetly as he could began to flip through the passport he'd yet to put away. What shook the spy to his core was the fact that staring up at him was the fake identity of Maou Yakama, not his real passport and the more importantly accurate personal information the second chunin had somehow read out and just as miraculously ignored.

"I still say Kishimoto needs to write us into things a little more, especially with the Fourth Shinobi War coming up in the next hundred and something episodes or so according to the manga." The second chunin complained loudly to his companion as Shiro continued to walk away from the booth and into the very heart of Konohagakure.

"And I still say to keep dreaming Kotetsu!" The first hissed back.


	4. Chapter 4

**OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(**

**Chapter 4: Traitor Kakashi**** And The Sennen Goroshi **

Shiro stood in the centre of training field 09 awaiting his first contact. He'd been in Konoha for nearly a week now – the first few days being the most stressful as he awaited the seemingly inevitable meeting with Konoha's infamous T&I Department given his initial meeting with the chunin guards at the front gate. However, when he wasn't dragged away by Konoha ANBU at any point in time, Shiro decided that luck was on his side and Konoha shinobi were idiots before he began to scout out potential turncoats.

It took him hours upon hours of scouring local bars – both civilian and shinobi run – before he came across a guy who knew a guy who had a second cousin twice removed that knew a guy who could help him. And so here he was, standing in the middle of a training field in the middle of the night waiting to meet the mysterious "Master" who he had been assured would be willing to help him with just about anything he needed, morals be damned.

The mysterious "Master" also happened to be three hours late. Just when Shiro was about to call it quits and go back to his hotel room, he was subjected to a small explosion of smoke and leaves making him heave and cough while his eyes watered upon having the plume of smog blow up into his face.

"Yo!"

When his eyes finally cleared, Shiro quickly managed to make out the shinobi who had just appeared (and just about choked him to death) via shunshin. He was a fit and relatively tall man with spiky silver hair and a dark-coloured eye. The reason for Shiro seeing only one eye was because the shinobi wore his blue forehead protector tilted to the left to cover his left eye and a mask that obscured the lower-half of his face, only revealing his right eye to the world. Otherwise the man donned the standard attire of the Konoha forces and a pair of metal-plated gloves.

Shiro opened his mouth, maybe to yell at the man or question him on his reasons for being late, when the shinobi's lone eye suddenly crinkled shut giving Shiro the feeling that he was being smiled at… somehow.

"Sorry I'm late Mr Ichimaru but my favourite flavour of pop-tarts was discontinued and I had to stage a rally," The shinobi Eye-Smiled™ at him.

Shiro noticed instantly that there were several things wrong with that sentence, one of which being the fact that the shinobi used his real name rather than the fake one he had given his informants, the one stated on his fake passport: Maou Yakama. However, instead of mentioning it, Shiro instead found himself absorbing everything else the one-eyed man had said which led to a response based entirely on his reaction to the shinobi's dumbass excuse.

"That's the biggest load of bull I've ever…" Shiro began to say before his brain managed to kick in and he finally recognised who it was he was talking to. "You're Kakashi Hatake… the Copy Cat Ninja, right?"

"Yup," Kakashi the Copy Cat Ninja nodded.

"Also known as the Master…?" Shiro asked cautiously whilst internally questioning everything he ever knew. If Kakashi Hatake was indeed the "Master" then that could mean that the last remaining student of the Cursed-Yellow-Bastard-Of-A-Yondaime-Hokage was willing to betray Konoha… However, the possibility in itself was just too good to be true. In fact, it couldn't be true!

But _if_ it was true… then Shiro wasn't even going to begin contemplating the kind of celebrity status he'd get back home in Iwa for such an achievement.

"Yup," Kakashi the Copy Cat Ninja nodded again which left Shiro reeling, his only response being a quiet, "Oh."

"Yeah, so I guess we'd better get down to business." Kakashi the Could-Be-Traitorous-Copy-Cat-Ninja said eagerly.

"Yes, about our business…" Shiro trailed off.

"Don't worry Mr Ichimaru, I know the drill. What happens at the 'Secret Meeting in the Middle of the Night with the Anonymous Stranger Who We Don't Talk About' stays at the 'Secret Meeting in the Middle of the Night with the Anonymous Stranger Who We Don't Talk About.'" Kakashi the Could-Be-Traitorous-Copy-Cat-Ninja said conspiratorially.

"Right, well, in that case…" Shiro grinned, only just resisting the urge to rub his hands together manically as Kakashi the Could-Be-Traitorous-Copy-Cat-Ninja reached into the pocket of his flack jacked and pulled out… a tiny orange book… "What are you doing?"

"I think the better question is: what aren't _you_ doing?" Kakashi the Apparently-Not-So- Traitorous-Copy-Cat-Ninja asked Shiro.

"Is… Is that Icha Icha Paradise?" Shiro asked after a moment having caught a glimpse of the front cover.

"Deluxe edition," Kakashi nodded.

"That's why you're here?" Shiro asked slowly while having a very not-so-good feeling about all of this. When he'd been told that the "Master" could help him and didn't give a damn about the morals involved, he had not expected to be standing in an abandoned field in the middle of the night with Kakashi Hatake and a book full of porn. In fact, this particular scenario had been _very_ much not anticipated on Shiro's side of things. Hell, the thought of the Copy Nin turning traitor was more realistic to Shiro than this!

"Yes, of course." Kakashi said sagely which quickly brought Shiro out of his thoughts and back to the unconventional matter at hand. "This is a 'How-To-Come-Out-As-A-Giant-Perv-Without-Being-Castrated-By-The-Local-Female-Population' tutorial after all. I went to one and was taught when I was still young by Jiraiya-Sama: The-Great-Super-Pervert-Himself™ and now I'm going to teach you. How else do you think I learnt to get away with reading this shit in public?" the one-eyed shinobi asked.

"You read that in _public_?" Shiro spluttered, still trying to process that this was indeed happening.

"Yes and when I'm done with you, you will too." Kakashi said very seriously.

"Wha-" Shiro began to ask before he was interrupted by Kakashi who moved with lightning speed to slap a gloved hand over his mouth, silencing the Iwa spy instantly. "Sh, someone's here." Kakashi hissed before disappearing in another expulsion of smoke and leaves on which Shiro choked, coughed and spluttered on for another few minutes while trying to regain his composure.

"Hey, wait a second Hatake," Shiro hissed into the night seeing only various moving shadows in the light of the fool moon. "What are you doin…?"

"**Leaf Village Secret Finger Jutsu: One Thousand Years of Death!** (Sennen Goroshi)" Kakashi's voice suddenly rung out in the night before a masked figure that looked suspiciously like an Anonymous-ANBU-Agent came flying out of the trees with a scream of utter agony. The figure who Shiro was nearly positive was in fact an ANBU landed a few feet away from him with a sickening crunch and a whimper all the while crying and holding his… ass?

Shiro decided to feel sorry for the poor bastard and pray to any god that would listen that he wouldn't suffer the same fate. It looked horrible.

"Oh dear god… that's just… wow…" Shiro muttered when the Anonymous-ANBU-Agent started to claw at his own ass cheeks while muttering about a burning pain and wanting 'no more fingers up there'.

"Yes, yes it is." Kakashi's voice replied from behind him making Shiro spin around at top speeds, his heart hammering as he feared the worst. When the Copy Nin didn't move other than to once again pull out his Icha Icha Paradise book, Shiro decided that it would be best if he got the hell out of there and tried to never ever think about this incident again.

"In that case I'll just be going and… yeah." Shiro said before turning around and jogging away from the scene, all the while ignoring the Anonymous-ANBU-Agent's pained pleas for help and something to stop the burning in his asshole… which wasn't a pleasant thought at all. From behind him, Shiro could hear Kakashi Hatake calling his name – his real name – and yelling, "Don't forget to take the 'How-To-Peep-On-Women-Without-Being-Castrated-By-The-Local-Female-Population' workshop with Jiraiya-Sama: The-Great-Super-Pervert-Himself™ on Wednesday! There's a free autographing and gift bag in it for you afterwards!"


	5. Chapter 5

**OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(**

**Chapter 5: The Face Of Fear And Some Things Never Meant To Be Seen By Mortal Men **

Walking towards his hotel at a steady pace in an attempt to seem casual and not draw attention to himself should anyone be watching, Shiro once again questioned everything he'd ever known as he assured himself that yes; he had indeed just discovered that Kakashi Hatake of all people gave out free lessons on how to be a pervert in the middle of the night. Considering his mission so far a failure, Shiro was now cutting his way through training ground 05 to get to his hotel room faster, all in a futile attempt to forget this night had ever happened.

Never before had Shiro had so much trouble on an infiltration mission before though how Hatake and the chunin guards knew his real name _and_ blatantly ignored the fact that he was either a) a spy, b) an Iwa shinobi and/or c) suspicious in general was beyond him. A part of Shiro was actually very tempted to leave now before his luck ran out and he was dragged kicking and screaming to Konoha's Torture and Interrogation Department or their psych ward – either option was not appealing to the Iwa Nin.

However, the rest of Shiro rebelled against the thought. Never before had he failed a mission; especially one involving spying and infiltration. Not once in his career had he failed to find allies among his enemies and the information they possessed.

So, it was as he was passing training ground 04 that Shiro heard voices. Again, Shiro was torn when a part of him told him to just keep walking and go to bed for a good night's sleep. The other part of him though, the more dominant, prideful part whispered to him about the potential information he could garner from eavesdropping on the conversation – information perhaps ranging from secret techniques to battle formations to a possible scandalous fable involving several high ranked officials, a bar of soap and a goat… what, it could happen!

His mind made up, even against his better judgement, Shiro crouched low and moved as silently as he could towards the nearest clearing where the voices were originating from.

Standing several yards away were two figures, a man and a younger teen both absorbed in what looked to be a very serious conversation given their expressions. However, it took a few moments for Shiro to get over their appearances enough to actually listen to what was being discussed.

This was probably because the man was, while tall and well-built with high cheek-bones, also sporting incredibly thick eyebrows and black hair cut in a bowl style. He wore a garish green jumpsuit, bright orange striped leg warmers and the standard Konoha flak jacket unzipped with his red cloth forehead protector was worn around his waist, like a belt.

In front of the odd looking man was an equally odd looking doppelganger several years younger than him. This in itself weirded Shiro out given the pair didn't seem to be related at all as unbelievable as it seemed though their appearances on their own were cause enough for worry. Like the man, the younger of the pair possessed very thick eyebrows though the boy differed slightly in the fact that he had large, rounded black eyes with prominent lower eyelashes. His hair was cut and styled into a bowl-cut style like the man's, and he also wore the same attire as the older shinobi, consisting of an ugly as hell green jumpsuit, orange leg warmers and a red forehead protector worn as a belt. The only real difference in the boy's attire was the bandages he wore around his hands and wrists as well as his zipped up chunin flak jacket.

Deciding to eavesdrop on the odd duo regardless of their looks in an attempt to redeem himself after his botched up meeting with the Copy Ninja earlier on in the night, Shiro casually took a seat nearby the two behind a set of bushes to see what he could glean from the conversation the two were currently engaged, rather loudly, in.

"…called you here Lee because, you see, I received another most Youthful of epiphanies from the Genie of Youth tonight and I just had to share with you my most Youthful pupil my most incredibly Youthful discovery!" The man smiled exuberantly at the boy known now as 'Lee'.

"What is it Gai-sensei?" Lee asked eagerly looking to be only seconds away from worshipping the odd man known to Shiro as 'Gai' now.

"It came to me in a post-it-note, a way to spread the Springtime of Youth to all who see us!" Gai cried happily, apparently speaking in code Shiro theorised though that part of him that wanted him to leave as fast as possible whispered that it was exactly what it sounded like.

"How? What has the most Youthful Genie donned to teach up this time Gai-sensei?" Lee asked reverently.

"'True Youth needs no adornments.'" Gai quoted sagely, looking to Shiro to be perfectly serious as he said the words, as if they meant something to him.

"Why, what a fantastic revelation sensei!" Lee suddenly chimed with his teeth and general vicinity actually _sparkling _as he smiled at his sensei having begun making some stupid pose as he continued to speak. "I shall run one hundred—NO! ONE THOUSAND!—laps around Konoha! And if I cannot do that, I will climb a mountain with my pinkie! And if I cannot do that, I will-"

"Wait my Youthful pupil. There was another facet to this most incredible of revelations." Gai interrupted the _sparkling_ form of Lee.

"What is it Gai-sensei, what is it?" Lee asked eagerly.

"Why, it was simply a reminder to share the Glory of our Youth with as many people as possible." Gai said before striking the exact pose Lee had just seconds ago. It was then to Shiro's horror that Gai too, just like Lee, began to _sparkle_.

"But how do we do that Gai-sensei?" Lee asked.

"Simple. After our one thousand laps around our beautiful village, we shall shout out Youthful declarations to the world from the very top of the Hokage Tower!" Gai exclaimed before letting out a loud and obviously forced laugh that sounded almost as unnatural as everything else about the man and his pupil.

"Yes Gai-sensei!" Lee saluted the man before he… he… he took off his jumpsuit.

Shiro was speechless and more importantly, unable to look away. It was horrible and yet, no matter how much he internally screamed for his body to move, to run, he remained perfectly still in his silent horror at the just plain terrible sight presented to him not even several yards in front of him. Personally, Shiro couldn't see how it could get any worse when Gai followed Lee's lead and removed his own jumpsuit as well.

He was wrong.

Once naked, the two… things turned to each other and once again began to sparkle. It was only when Gai cried "Oh, Lee!" that things truly worsened. The pair of nude shinobi lunged towards each other as an illusion of a sunset and beach appeared in the background.

"Lee!" Gai cried again to his younger doppelganger all the while getting closer and _closer_.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee cried as he too got closer and _closer_ to Gai.

"LEE!" Gai shouted overdramatically with tears running down his cheeks.

"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee shouted back with a similar expression and tears running down his face.

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

And then, they collided. Together the two nude men embraced in a freaking _hug_ with a sunset and beach in the background. No matter what he did, Shiro could neither look away nor dispel the genjutsu. Instead he was forced to watch the single most traumatising scene he'd ever had the displeasure of witnessing. Hell, even blind people would be horrified by the sight – and that was saying something. For what felt like an eternity, Shiro watched and wanted to vomit, to curl up into a ball and die; to do something other than watch whatever the hell this was!

It was not soon enough for Shiro that the two naked shinobi finally separated.

"Come my Youthful pupil, we must spread the Youth!" Gai shouted upon releasing Lee from their… hug.

And so, they proceeded to do just that. The Village Hidden in the Leaves would never be the same again…

Meanwhile, Shiro Ichimaru was seriously considering gouging out his eyeballs with a stick in the hopes of never again seeing what he had just seen. Turning away from the scene of the offence to all things natural and sane, Shiro was instantly met with the sight of a new ninja.

The Konoha ninja had short brown hair and black, almond-shaped eyes. He wore a happuri-style forehead protector that framed his face and a variation of the standard attire of a Konoha-nin with a jonin flak jacket.

The man was also currently holding a torch under his chin which shone up into his face… a face Shiro found very creepy given how the shinobi had his black, almond-shaped eyes widened to a size Shiro thought impossible while the rest of his expression remained impassive.

All in all, the man was creepy. Period.

"And what do you think you're doing, sir?" The Konoha ninja asked with that creepy as hell look. Unable to think clearly after having witnessed what he just witnessed and being given such a creepy as fuck look by a stranger, Shiro managed to splutter a broken, "… Um… you see, there was green spandex… a-and bowl cuts… and sparkles… and then there w-wasn't any spandex and… OH GOD, JUST MAKE IT STOP!" Shiro screamed.

"Oh, I see you ran into Gai and Lee…" The shinobi nodded sagely having finally turned off his torch and begun to look normal again. "But what do you mean by 'there wasn't any spandex?'" The man asked.

Shiro stared at the man for a moment before he gripped the lapels of the man's flak jacket and pulled him closer, staring into the man's creepy eyes when he finally managed to verbalise his answer.

"There wasn't _any _spandex." Shiro hissed feeling a little deranged at the thought of having to say the word 'naked' while envisioning those two… monstrosities. "Not. A. Bit."

"Do you mean, oh god, please don't tell me they…" Shiro released the Konoha Nin when he suddenly began to pale. It seemed he'd finally gotten the message Shiro was trying to communicate without compromising his own mental facilities. "Fuck me," The man muttered before turning back to Shiro looking dumbfounded and a little scared, "they're actually running around the village naked, aren't they?"

Shiro wasn't sure he could respond, even if he wanted to. He barely managed to nod before the Konoha Ninja began to swear… quite creatively in fact.

"You need to go home sir while I go get reinforcements." The nin told Shiro seriously before turning away, now speaking to himself when he added angrily, "This is gonna be another all-nighter… I swear I'm going to kill whoever keeps giving them these stupid hair brained ideas! They're bad enough on a normal day, we don't need people going blind or contracting anymore PTD symptoms goddammit!"


	6. Chapter 6

**OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(**

**Chapter 6: Anko And Dango Are Not To Be Messed With**

The next morning found Shiro sitting in a small café just around the corner from his hotel though personally he thought he'd rather a bar. He needed something a little stronger than tea to help wash away the events of the night before… okay, he need something _way _stronger.

However, Shiro was also aware that getting drunk first thing in the morning would not help him on his mission. In fact, it would more than likely impede him given he'd more than likely get drunk and then have to suffer through a hangover – neither of which were good conditions for anyone to work in, let alone a spy in enemy territory.

Glancing down at the plate of two dango and red bean soup as it was sat on the bench in front of him; Shiro carefully tested the temperature of the soup. Since it was still a little too hot, Shiro decided to set it aside and let it cool for a while. Absentmindedly turning around and gazing down the street to watch the early morning bustle of the civilians, Shiro reached out behind himself to grasp a stick of dango from a plate and slip it into his mouth. As he took his first bite of dango, which was surprisingly good there, all surrounding noise seemed to cease at that exact moment.

Cautiously, Shiro turned around to see what it was that had caused the entirety of a small café and the street surrounding it to go so suddenly silent. Instead, the Iwa spy quickly found that all eyes were on him for some reason. His mind racing, Shiro tried to think of a plausible reason as to why all of these people were gaping at him, pale faces contorted into masks of terror.

"My. Dango." The words were whispered but Shiro heard them loud and clear none the less. Slowly turning in his seat, Shiro cautiously looked up to see a woman… a very attractive woman who looked to be trying to murder him with her eyes alone because there was no getting that look wrong – this woman wanted to kill Shiro in cold blood.

She had light brown, pupil-less eyes, and violet hair styled in a short, spiky, fanned-ponytail. She wore a tan overcoat with a purple in-seam, which had a pocket on both sides, and a fitted mesh body suit underneath that stretched from her neck down to her thighs. She also wore a dark orange mini-skirt, as well as a forehead protector, a small pendant that looked like a snake fang on a thick cord, a wrist watch, and pale grey shin guards. She also wore a dark blue belt around her waist that connected to her skirt with an appendage-like sash.

"Y-you see…" Shiro stuttered, still a little unsure of what her problem was, when the woman interrupted him again to hiss the word "_Dango,_" while glaring at the half eaten stick in his hand. Glancing between the stick of half eaten dango and the purple haired woman, Shiro finally made a connection before looking down at the two plates in front of him – one was piled to the hilt with every sort of dango the café likely sold while the second had the two sticks of dango Shiro had ordered… the two _untouched_ sticks of dango he'd only minutes ago ordered.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that miss." Shiro said, making sure to appear bashful and repentant. He was about to offer one of his own dangos as replacement for the one he'd unintentionally stolen when the purple haired snake woman grit out from between clenched teeth "What the hell did you think you were doing?"

"I'm so sorry." Shiro apologised again. His instincts were screaming at him to run and with the way the woman was glaring at him, Shiro was sorely tempted to. However, he still had his pride as a shinobi even if it would ultimately be his downfall. "I thought it was my order. My deepest apologies miss-"

"Die." The purple haired woman hissed at Shiro, interrupting his apology.

"W-what?" Shiro stuttered.

"Dude, that's Anko Mitarashi!" One of the bystanders suddenly screamed. Several people jumped up from their seats at the name and began to flee though that one man, looking very panicked, continued to shout at Shiro to move. "You just _ate_ her _dango_! What are you just standing there for? Run! RUN! RU-"

The random bystander was cut off when a kunai shot through the air before impaling itself in the man's right eye socket, instantly ending his life. Shiro stared at the fallen corpse of the brave bystander, trying to wrap his mind around what the hell was happening, when that same low voice echoed over the screams of the civilians as they fled for their lives.

"Die." The newly named Anko Mitarashi growled, drawing Shiro's attention back to see that the woman had armed herself with even more kunai and was looking at him with a really twisted look in her eyes. "You're going to die a most painful death for eating my dango asshole."

It didn't take a genius to figure out what the smart thing to do in this situation was.

"And I'm running!" Shiro screamed as he took off in a sprint in the opposite direction of the mad snake woman who was now throwing kunai at his retreating form as she pursued. Shiro would last another record breaking three hours and forty or so minutes before Anko finally caught up to him making Shiro a living legend amongst the populace of Konoha, civilian and shinobi alike – so much so that by the end of the month Shiro would have a plaque with the words 'Shiro Ichimaru: the poor bastard who actually lived' hung in the little café in his honour.


	7. Chapter 7

**OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(**

**Chapter 7: Jiraiya-Sama: The-Great-Super-Pervert-Himself™ And The Dance Of Doom**

It was another three days later that Shiro finally woke up. As for where he was, it took him a total of three minutes to discern that yes, he was in a hospital and yes, he was somehow alive after that crazy snake bitch had just about nearly murdered him. He was vaguely aware that several others had died in the crossfire as he attempted to flee and could remember seeing a couple buildings topple over in his peripheral vision whilst he ran for his miserable life.

A sudden loud noise followed by the shrill yelling of several women was heard before the door to Shiro's hospital room was slammed open by a frantic looking man. His expression was that of a man running for his life, a feeling Shiro was now intimately familiar with as of… however long ago it was since he'd accidently eaten the wrong godforsaken dango.

Shiro noted that he was rather tall and in his late fifties or early sixties as he leaned against the door he'd just slammed shut again. His white hair was waist-length, spiky and tied back into a pony tail; with two shoulder-length bangs that framed both sides of his face. He also had red lines that ran down from his eyes and wore a horned forehead protector with the kanji for 'Oil'. He also had a noticeable wart on the left side of his nose. The man wore a green short shirt kimono and matching pants; under which he wore mesh armour that showed out of the sleeves and legs of his outfit. His outfit was completed with hand guards, a simple black belt, traditional Japanese wooden sandals and a red haori with two simple yellow circles on each side.

This man was legendary, he was known all around the world… it was just too bad Shiro couldn't quite remember who that 'legendary man' was what with that triple concussion of his still screwing with his thought processes and all.

"Shit! All I said was that she had a voluptuous ass…" The white haired man muttered to himself before seemingly noticing Shiro sitting up in his bed, covered from head to toe in gauze with a wide eyed expression of shock on his face no doubt. "Wow, you really don't look so well there. What happened? Was it a woman?" The man asked, eyeing Shiro carefully now that his earlier look of pure unadulterated terror had morphed into a more contemplative expression.

"I ate some Anko chick's dango by mistake." Shiro nodded cautiously, not at all sure what he should make of any of this.

"Oh," The old man nodded, as if that explained it all. Who knows, maybe it did? "So _you're_ the idiot that did that… damn, my bets were on Asuma. Oh well. So, how bad are you?"

"I'm not sure." Shiro replied, only now beginning to notice the aches and pains all over his body now that his attention was brought back from the odd old man and his antics.

The older man once again nodded his head thoughtfully before entering the room properly to snatch up the clipboard dangling from the end of Shiro's bed. His gaze scanned over whatever they had written there, all the while muttering "Hm, I'll just take a look here and… wow…"

The old man let out a low whistle before glancing up at Shiro disbelievingly, his white brow raised high in questioning. "You're alive?" he asked looking a little too impressed for Shiro's comfort.

"That bad, huh?" Shiro asked, trying to lighten the mood a little. This however failed miserably when the white haired man replied in a steady voice: "It says here they had to surgically remove a kunai from your… anal cavity."

"Yeah, it's that bad then." Shiro sighed tiredly, not at all surprised to hear it in truth though he'd been hoping otherwise. He could vaguely remember the kunai going up there a little before he passed out now that he thought about it actually…

"He-he, sounds like the last time I caught Tsunade in the buff." The old man interjected, looking almost reminiscent now. "I was in intensive care for months…"

"What are you doing here anyway?" Shiro asked, trying to change the subject a little. "You don't look ill or anything."

"Oh, I was looking for Tsunade-hime." The old man replied casually, as if it were obvious.

"The one that nearly killed you…?" Shiro questioned, not really understanding the logic of it.

"Yup, we go way back… Anyway, you wouldn't happen to have seen a big breasted blond appearing in her thirties when she's secretly like, my age?" The weird old man asked.

"No."

"Oh, okay then… Aren't you going to ask me who I am now?" The old man suddenly asked arrogantly, as if the question like his answer before too was obvious.

"No, I wasn-" Shiro began to say before he was interrupted by what could have been one of the strangest sights he'd ever beared witness to excluding the last week of his life, of course.

In a burst of smoke that nearly choked Shiro much like the Shunshin Kakashi Hatake seemed so fond of there was suddenly a large toad – too large and colourful to be anything but a summoning animal – underneath the old man. The old man himself then proceeded to hop up and down from foot to foot on top of the toad's head, whilst reciting with great enthusiasm what had to be a premeditated, practised and – for some reason – written out to the tea speech about himself.

"I am Jiraiya, the epitome of manliness also known as Jiraiya-Sama: The-Great-Super-Pervert-Himself™ for my dashing loos and gallantry!" The old man, now dubbed 'Jiraiya', yelled at the top of his lungs, all the while still hopping up and down like a fool. "I shall fall for no woman's wiles! When you're me, you only need to flash that sexiness to have women fall at your feet. Heh-he."

"Wha-" Shiro began to ask dumbly before he was once again interrupted.

"Jiraiya-sama! What are you doing in here?" A feminine voice all but demanded to know.

Turning his head, Shiro quickly spotted a girl standing in the now open doorway after probably sneaking in during Jiraiya's… speech. She had bright pink shoulder length hair, large green eyes and fair skin. She donned simple attire consisting of a red top with black gloves, black boots, black shorts, short pink apron skirt and pink elbow protectors and forehead protector which was on a red cloth.

"Oh, Sakura… hi, you haven't seen Tsunade-hime around, have you?" Jiraiya asked the girl, not at all phased by the fact that he was still standing on one foot atop the head of a giant bright blue and orange toad.

"No. But that still doesn't explain why you're sexually harassing the nurses again or what you're doing in the intensive care ward… again."

"Intensive care?" Shiro asked only to be ignored by the other occupants of the room.

"Sure it does. I was looking for Tsunade. Case closed." Jiraiya sniffed while jumping off his toad a minute before it dispelled in a cloud of smoke which once again making Shiro heave and cough when the plume washed over his face, chocking the poor Iwa spy.

"Jiraiya-sama, I think you should leave." The girl, Sakura, said looking as serious as the grave.

"What? But the bath houses were closed today for cleaning and I wanted to say hi to my best breasts – I mean, my best friend… yeah, my best _friend_ Tsunade." Jiraiya protested unconvincingly.

"Jiraiya-sama…" Sakura hissed warningly, sending shivers down Shiro's spine.

"Actually, you seem to be filling out too." Jiraiya said, now eyeing Sakura speculatively with his arms folded. Sakura in return began to splutter while Shiro shuddered at the possible implications that reaction could have. Hey, being hospitalised by one crazy chick with weird coloured hair was more than enough for Shiro: no need to make it two. "I wonder if Tsunade used a jutsu to get jugs like those and taught you how to as well… hm, interesting idea that…"

"Pervert!" Sakura screamed angrily.

"I think you mean SUPER pervert!" Jiraiya corrected the girl enthusiastically. This proved to be the wrong thing to say.

"GET OUT YOU VILE OLD MAN!" Sakura bellowed at the top of her lungs, already moving forward with surprising speed to plant one of her tiny fists in Jiraiya's gut… sending him flying backwards at terrifying speeds with a girlish "AHHHHHH!"

A series of loud crashes later and Shiro's room was graced with a new skylight while the ground several hundred yards away from his room a few stories below now sported a new three foot crater. To say the least, Shiro was horrified.

"I'm sorry about that sir." Sakura said sweetly making Shiro snap his head back to stare at the pink haired teen while fearing for his life… again. "Please, try to get some rest while I got track down and kill – er, I mean… maim… no that's not the word… er, _'deal'_… yes; _'deal'_ with that nasty perverted old bastard."

Needless to say, those words only cemented in Shiro's mind a decision he'd come to not long after arriving in this accursed village.

"I have _so _got to get out of here."


	8. Chapter 8

**OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(**

**Chapter 8: Meet Ibiki "Get-The-Fuck-Outta-There" Morino And The Cursed-Yellow-Bastard-Of-A-Yondaime-Hokage**

It didn't take long for Shiro to sneak out of the hospital with how desperate he was. By stealing his clothes back from the nurses' station while no one was around, he managed to walk out again as casually as possible given his injuries by blending in as a visitor – he even signed himself out!

Now he found himself walking the confusing streets of Konoha in search of an exit. Pushing through the crowds, Shiro turned into the next street hoping to find the gates leading to inevitable freedom when he collided with something solid before landing on the ground. His injured body protested the movement and with a half startled groan Shiro looked up to hiss his displeasure at the idiot that knocked him over in the form of a few choice words about said idiot's mother… that is, before he noticed just who it was he'd bumped into.

The man had a large, imposing figure complemented with a rugged head and face covered with old wounds and scars. He wore what appeared to be the uniform of the T&I Department as well as a distinctive bandana over his scarred head. It could only be one person – someone feared by any self-respecting infiltrator – the infamous Ibiki Morino: Torturer Extraordinaire.

There was only one plausible reason for the head of the Torture and Interrogation Department, a man famous for breaking the minds of his victims in minutes before dragging death out for hours or even days after that, could be standing over him menacingly in the middle of a crowded street… So at that point, with his conclusions reached, Shiro did the only sane thing he could think of to do at that point in time: he got up, turned tail and ran for his life all the while screaming like a girl.

Behind the Iwa spy, still standing in the street, was a startled Ibiki who finally let out a tired sigh after a moment of processing what had just happened.

"And that's why I can't get a fucking girlfriend." He muttered to himself irritably before moving on again while trying to put the incident out of his mind.

_Meanwhile, with Shiro…_

Dashing through the crowds as fast as he could, Shiro Ichimaru searched frantically for an exit. He was sure that T&I would be crawling within minutes, let alone the rest of the shinobi within this accursed village, and if they found him… Shiro would rather not think about what would happen to him should he be captured at this point. This whole mission had been suicide from the beginning and Shiro was not dumb enough to try and think of it in any other way.

He'd been doomed from the start and that was that. Now he just had to try and survive first.

Trying to calm himself, Shiro slowed himself to try and blend in with the crowds again in the hopes of fooling his – non-existent – pursuers while still looking for the front gates he'd entered through only days ago.

In the corner of his eye, something caught his eyes. Turning his head to fully take in the bright colours, Shiro suddenly realised that it was a person now heading towards him; and now just any person.

Shiro stared in abject horror at the figure getting closer and closer to him. Walking casually down the street, not even seven feet away was Konoha's Yellow Flash! Konoha's _dead_ Yellow Flash… who was still walking down the street, whistling a cheery tune. The man had everything from the Bright-Yellow-Hair-of-Doom™ to the Blue-Eyes-of-Evil™ and that White-and-Red-Cloak-of-Death™! And he was getting closer, his mouth opening to speak to Shiro as he came within reaching distance of the frozen Iwa operative.

To Shiro, this was nothing short of a nightmare! Of all the things to happen to him!

"Hi, I'm…" the words died on the lips of the Cursed-Yellow-Bastard-Of-A-Yondaime-Hokage as Shiro once again turned and bolted from the area, not even bothering to scream and cry his terror this time as he fled for safety of any form. Images of different places to go flashed through Shiro's mind as he propelled himself forwards but each idea had one common denominator: it was a place far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from there.


	9. Chapter 9

**OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(**

**Chapter 9: Run If You Know What's Good For You**

Naruto stared after the strange man covered in gauze and tears who'd just run away from him as if the Kyuubi were at his heals.

"What was his problem?" The blond wondered aloud, "Maybe he doesn't like the costume…"

Glancing down at himself to the once pristine white cloak he'd found cheap before he'd splattered with red paint all up it to the loose stands of the longer wig he'd bought that hung in his face.

"Nah," Naruto grinned, "Everyone loves Ed Elric. Fullmetal Alchemist is the bomb!" He cried happily though the people around him didn't quite agree…

"That's who you are?" Sai demanded disbelievingly looking almost human for a moment, dressed up convincingly as Saya from Blood+ though he probably didn't realise that the choice brought up further questions about his sexual orientations for some and just further confirmed things for others.

"I thought he was the Fourth!" Tenten cried in surprise from beside the cross dressing ROOT agent while wearing her own Nami costume from the anime One Piece.

"That is the shittiest Edward Elric costume I've ever seen." Neji hissed unhappily while adorning the ridiculous Ussup… Ussap… Ussep… whatever the character's name was, Neji was still wearing the costume Tenten had forced him into. The fake nose had been a bit too fat though so now he wasn't in any kind of good mood!

"Ditto," Sai chimed before Naruto bit out an angry, "Shut up!"

_Meanwhile, in a nearby deserted park…_

"Don't worry big guy." Anko crooned from her spot on a park bench. "Next time I see the bastard, I'll kill him for you."

"Th-thanks Anko," Ibiki sniffled from beside her, his shoulders hunched as he cried his heart out. Anko was still patting the large man's back while he tried to get some control over himself.

"No problem." Anko grinned before asking the one question she needed to know the answer to. "Now, where did you last see the fucker?"

"He was-"

Ibiki was cut off by a high pitched scream that seemed to go on and on forever. Then, from their right one Shiro Ichimaru came running looking slightly deranged as he ran for what he perceived to be his continued life and sanity. A few seconds later he'd already rounded the corner and his screams were fading in the distance.

"That was him?" Anko asked questioningly, still looking in the direction the Iwa nin had ran in.

"Y-yes!" Ibiki muttered before once again tears began to fall and a loud, pained wail left the man's lips. "Why doesn't anyone ever just give me a chance?!" He gasped between sobs.

"Shh, don't worry. I'll definitely kill the dango stealing bastard who was rude to you, okay? You don't have to cry boss!" Anko said trying to comfort the man as he began to cry in earnest again. Patting his back and continuing to coo, Anko vowed eternal vengeance on the dango stealing bastard who made Ibiki cry.

_Meanwhile, in a nearby deserted alleyway…_

"I'm going to kill you, slowly and painfully Jiraiya-sama." Sakura hissed angrily having finally cornered her quarry. Cowering a few yards away from her was a terrified Jiraiya and he was getting desperate. While Tsunade wouldn't kill him given their own mutual history and the blatant – in Jiraiya's opinion – sexual tension they emitted whenever they were together, Sakura was not the same. In fact, Jiraiya was sure that even with his amazing skills nothing short of s miracle would save him now.

"AHHH!" Shiro Ichimaru screamed as he ran past the mouth of the alley giving Jiraiya a flash of hope. If Sakura was anything, she was a med nin and a doctor and a patient of her, one that was supposed to be in intensive care, had just barrelled past her in the middle of the street. Surely she would abandon him for another day to instead track and capture her wayward patient, at least long enough for him to find Tsunade and hide behind her?

"Hey, wasn't that-"

"Don't try to change the subject Jiraiya-sama." Sakura said lowly, not looking back or letting Jiraiya say a word to try and distract her. "Either way, you're still going to die for that last comment!"

"I didn't mean anything by it though. I swear!" Jiraiya pleaded, "I said you had nice hips and you'd probably like it rough, not that I'd actually do anything…"

"What?! Now I'm not good enough?!" Sakura suddenly screamed before she struck.

It was the last thing Jiraiya would truly be able to remember about the entire incident later on.

_Meanwhile, in a nearby deserted restaurant…_

"Put them on, NOW!" Yamato bellowed from his position behind an overturned table. The restaurant, while once pristine and in perfect order, now looked like a war zone with the separate sides of the conflict currently at an impasse with several ANBU and Yamato taking cover all over the room. They made sure to block all of the exits as they began to negotiation process with their targets.

Needless to say, it wasn't going to well.

"NO! WE MUST SHARE THE YOUTH! WE WERE TOLD SO BY THE GREAT YOUTH GENIE OF YOUTH!" A stark naked Gai screamed from his position on top of the counter with an equally bare Lee by his side.

"But it's not 'youthful' so you have to put clothes on." Yamato called out, trying to reason without having to stand and take in the horrible sight.

"BUT THE GENIE-" Lee tried to speak before Yamato cried out an impatient, "The genie lied!"

"BUT-"

Gai began to speak just as a high pitched scream reached Yamato's ears. In fact, the scream rivalled those of the patrons that had once occupied that very restaurant as they'd first noticed Gai and Lee and ran though this scream was higher and more terror filled. Either way, it both reminded Yamato that he the negotiations were not going well and innocents were seeing things they really shouldn't.

Before anyone could speak a man covered in gauze that Yamato vaguely recognised ran past the restaurant at top speed. It was then that Yamato lost any and all patience.

"PUT THE FUCKING CLOTHES ON ALREADY!" He roared from his position still cowering behind a table to avoid looking at a scene that would surely scar him.

_Meanwhile, in a nearby deserted place…_

"Listen, I'm sorry! It was a mistake!" Kakashi said exasperatedly.

"Bullshit!" The Anonymous-ANBU-Agent growled angrily as he tried to walk away from the one eyed ninja who'd been pestering him since the night before. "You shoved your fingers up my ass! There's nothing 'accidental' about it. I'm still pressing charges, Copy Ninja or not." The Anonymous-ANBU-Agent hissed.

"But you can't prove it." Kakashi pointed out desperately.

"I have a witness." The Anonymous-ANBU-Agent denied airily, confident that the Copy Nin was doomed once they got to court in a few days. Assaulting a fellow ninja and in that place of all places…! What was wrong Kakashi Hatake the Anonymous-ANBU-Agent wondered before rationalising that the life of a shinobi had probably gotten a little too much for him after all.

"Yeah, who?" Kakashi asked haughtily, not at all worried until the Anonymous-ANBU-Agent replied with a smug grin the words, "That Ichimaru guy."

Kakashi felt himself pale drastically realising that indeed the Anonymous-ANBU-Agent had a witness. Silently, Kakashi began to contemplate the untimely demise of either the Anonymous-ANBU-Agent or his witness or maybe even both when a high pitched scream pierced through his conversation.

As fast as lightning a figure covered in gauze dashed past, screaming and crying as he went before he disappeared around the corner, heading towards the front gates.

"You mean that Ichimaru guy?" Kakashi asked after a moment of stunned silent while internally feeling relieved that he'd somehow managed to dodge another lawsuit without resorting to murder.

"Dammit!" The Anonymous-ANBU-Agent screamed all the while wondering why the hell he couldn't ever seem to get any of his complaints and subsequent charges to stick? How the hell did Kakashi Hatake, his mortal enemy, do it?

_Meanwhile, in a nearby deserted gate guarding post…_

"I know, I know." Izumo sighed sadly from his place inside the guard booth just next to the front gates. "Section a Hundred and Seventeen C: Paragraph Three of the Anime Handbook™ states that no minor characters will be seen at any given time on screen or paper for more than three minutes and forty-six point eight seconds. Sorry. I just got ahead of myself… again."

"Listen, it's okay Kotetsu," Izumo comforted his friend. "We all dream of being a main but sometimes life just isn't what we want it to be and we aren't all main characters. That's just it."

Kotetsu opened his mouth to reply to his friend's honest words when the sound of screams entered his ears giving him a moment of pause. In those seconds of silence Shiro Ichimaru managed to dash past the two chunin and disappear from sight again, the only evidence of his presence being the cloud of dust he'd mustered in his mad dash for freedom and his echoing screams as they faded into the distance.

"I wonder where he's going in such a hurry…" Izumo muttered thoughtfully as he gazed after the Iwa ninja.

"He must have read ahead from the manga and realised that the Pain Invasion is in a few chapters." Kotetsu shrugged, "He's probably just getting out before shit hits the fan like all the others."

"Ah yeah, that's probably it." Izumo nodded sagely. That was, after all, a very smart thing to do. All of the other should-be-suspicious not-spies who'd fled – all heavily injured, maimed and/or dead mind you – had probably agreed so since they too had at some point or another all ran from the village screaming.


	10. Chapter 10

**OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(**

**Chapter 10: A Job Well Done… I Think**

"Milady, it has been confirmed that the Iwa agent has fled the village." Shizune reported happily as she gazed at her mentor Tsunade Senju: Legendary Sannin, acclaimed World's Greatest Medic Nin and Fifth Hokage extraordinaire.

"You're sure?" said Hokage asked carefully, wanting to be absolutely sure that the threat had been neutralised without international incident.

"Yes mam. He was sighted fleeing the village while screaming and crying just a few moments ago." Shizune confirmed.

"Okay." Tsunade said slowly, a little disturbed by the answer and not at all sure how the situation had occurred before she dismissed any queries she had and in turn dismissed Shizune. She didn't want to deal with it. If Shizune said it was fixed, it was fixed. If it wasn't that was her problem. "In that case: congratulations on a job well done Shizune." Tsunade smiled.

"Yeah… a-he-he-he-he…" Shizune giggled nervously while slowly stepping backwards towards the door, "Job well done… he-he… the job _I_ got done… because I wasn't backlogged and distracted by all the other work you put on me before I got the chance to put anything in place… he-he… yeah, I'll just be… leaving now… goodbye!" Shizune exclaimed before running out the door and slamming it shut behind her.

"Maybe the stress is finally getting to her…" Tsunade said to herself thoughtfully as she stared after her once apprentice. "Nah, it's probably just her time of the month."


	11. Chapter 11

**OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(**

**Chapter 11: They'll Never Take Him Go Back Alive**

Ōnoki of Both Scales, the Third Tsuchikage of Iwagakure sat in his office staring at the folder he'd just been handed by his most trusted ANBU, Pebble.

"Sir, this is Shiro Ichimaru's report." Pebble reported monotonously, indicating the thin folder.

"He's back already?" Ōnoki asked, eye brows raised in questioning. Truth be told, he was impressed.

"At least he made it back." Pebble seemed to mutter before Ōnoki's sharp "What was that?" pulled him back to attention.

"I was just remarking on his skills given none of our other operatives have ever returned from Konoha alive to give a report Tsuchikage-sama." Pebble stated confidently.

"Yes, I see." Ōnoki nodded before finally opening the folder to take a peak inside. "Now let's take a look here… it says here that upon his arrival Ichimaru was somehow recognised by the chunin guards before he was let inside Konoha anyway. The chunin mentioned something about an 'anime' handbook, episodes and someone named Kishimoto, whoever the hell that is. Then it says he checked into his hotel, looked up some leads and had a meeting with Kakashi Hatake… which turned out to be a lesson on reading porn in public or something. Hatake then proceeded to… assault an ANBU anally with a secret finger jutsu before Ichimaru retreated to witness a… Abomination against Nature. He was then halted by another shinobi who left him alone again to deal with the… Abomination against Nature. Is this right?" Ōnoki asked, eyeing the information speculatively. It couldn't be right, surely. There must be a mistake somewhere!

"Yes sir." Pebble said, seemingly confirming the impossible. "We have confirmed with our mind-jutsu experts that the report is valid and very much true. It was actually written by the shinobi conducting Ichimaru's mental evaluations upon his return as Ichimaru refused to 'revisit the memories'. Personally sir, I'd say he's rather traumatised and his evaluator also seems rather… unsettled by what he saw in Ichimaru's mind."

"Hm. From then on it says he then accidently ate someone's dango which resulted in millions of dollars' worth in property damage, the partial destruction of the Hokage monument, the injuries of three civilians, two academy students and one jonin as well as the _deaths_ of _twenty seven civilians_ and nearly _sixty shinobi_! What the hell? Ichimaru was admitted into Konoha General Hospital with six broken bones, a concussion, a punctured lung, three missing toes, four stab wounds and… does this really say a kunai up the ass?" Ōnoki queried, both awed and a little disgusted by the revelations.

"Yes sir, it does." Pebble nodded.

"He really…"

"Yes sir."

"And he's still alive?" Ōnoki asked.

"Yes sir." Pebble confirmed.

"Fuck." Ōnoki muttered before turning back to the report. "It says he was then questioned by Jiraiya of the Sannin about the location of the Fifth Hokage Tsunade before he… started to dance. The Sannin was subsequently thrown out of the ICU ward and beaten near to death by a scary pink haired girl rumoured to be the apprentice of the aforementioned Fifth Hokage. Ichimaru escaped from the hospital which proved to be simple enough until he came to the attention of Ibiki Morino. He then fled only to come into contact with… the YELLOW FLASH!?" Ōnoki bellowed, staring at the report with fury and a bit of fear.

"Sir?" Pebble asked, shifting uncomfortably as Ōnoki's Killing Intent rose to the surface.

"THAT CURSED-YELLOW-BASTARD-OF-A-YONDAIME-HOKAGE IS ALIVE!" The old Tsuchikage screamed in rage.

"It has been speculated that there may have been a high powered jutsu involved Tsuchikage-sama." Pebble interrupted. "With Ichimaru's injuries at the time he may not have been in a state to recognise one powerful enough."

"I see… it then states that he made a tactical retreat before making his way here." Ōnoki said, reading the rest of the report carefully.

"Yes sir."

"…Those Hidden Leaf bastards sure are crafty…" Ōnoki muttered to himself.

"Tsuchi-" Pebble began to reply to the unspoken questions on the Tsuchikage's face when he was interrupted by the sound of horrendously loud laughter and screaming.

"**YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIIIIIIVE!"** The words were roared at the top of ones lungs before something flew by the Tsuchikage's window resulting in a CRASH from below. Silence followed before Ōnoki asked the most obvious question.

"What was that?"

Pebble stared, about to admit that he was just as clueless as his Kage when another Anbu, Boulder, leaped out of the shadows to whisper in Pebble's ear. His eyes widening from behind his mask, Pebble replied to the Tsuchikage's question.

"Shiro Ichimaru, sir." He reported to his leader.

"And, why did he just jump off one of the higher level floors of the Tsuchikage Tower?" The Third Tsuchikage demanded.

"As far as our shinobi can tell, Councilwoman Baoji approached Ichimaru about the possibility of returning to Konoha to spy for the good of Iwagakure." Pebble explained carefully as Boulder returned to the shadows having relayed all known information. "I believe his response was, and I quote, 'You'll never take me alive' before he started cackling madly. He then proceeded to jump out the nearest window to his death."

"Oh." Ōnoki murmured. There wasn't really much else to say.

**A/N: Well, that was it. Thankyou to all of my reviewers and my readers: I LOVE YOU ALL! Oh, and don't forget to tell me what you think!**

**Cheers :)**


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